Memories and Regrets
by Rasticles
Summary: Harry's POV while in Azkaban. Suicide themes, implied slash


He led on you the path you swore you'd never take. He promised sweet lies that whispered into your ear during the night. A voice so sweet it could only be something that is rotten inside. All the times I have been deceived, this is the only one for which I shall cry.  
  
Green eyes stared around in the dark cell, an impeding gloom taking away all the light that was once there. His blood shone upon the cold stone walls as it dried a crimson that faded to black, to something dead and dull in the night. No beauty, just darkness with a cold light from somewhere beyond his reach. Words whisper in his head, a memory of the life that had gone by.  
  
'Join me'  
  
'I will take you away from all this'  
  
'Only I can make you feel, Harry, only I can give you what you need.'  
  
What were you thinking when you said those words to me?  
  
To destroy something beautiful, to hold it back, admire it, taint it with your very thought, to caress it with an oily touch, marring the surface, to crush it, break it into pieces that are so small, only then can you understand them. To recreate it, redesign, into something new, perhaps more pleasing, perhaps to disfigure, to give it only ugliness, calming the mind by the ability to ruin what is fragile, what was once sweet and innocent, into something twisted and pained. Contemplate what you have done, how now do you feel, has this given you what you need, or does it leave you empty, unknowing of why.to create such purity of pain, to disfigure it, to replace it, to dismember it, until there is nothing left.  
  
Tears poured down his pale cheeks, silver trails crawling towards lips that had not felt the touch of a lover for so long.  
  
Anger and pain, they took me away. I did only what was asked of me. I followed you into darkness and there you betrayed me. Craving for touch, for love, for a feeling inside, why is it that I am alone, you claimed your love, you took it away. For you I would have done everything, I would have given myself away. For you I killed all that I had left, my family and friends, but you didn't stay.  
  
Why was I not good enough for you? What more could you need. Utter devotion, all the love that I could portray. A knife would through my heart was my payment. Everything I had ever wanted was ripped away from me that moment. All that I had I gave to you, all that I had you took away.  
  
This place only gives pain, the dementors taking all that was once good, taking all except for the horror and the pain. Dreams of destruction of fire and blood, of tears and of screams. Of hateful pleasure, of pain that soothes the mind. Something twisted inside, the darkness lets itself out, it is there in all ways, this blackness, this wonderment of horror. Feelings change of everyone around me, not to hate, only to something less, to something that I myself have defiled, have created. I forgive all of them with the exception of you. I cannot forgive you nor myself. I never will. I will never leave this place, this torment, this hell. I cannot fly away nor touch the ground, I cannot stay nor leave. It's all I have left in this day.  
  
I love you, I want you, I hurt you, and fear you. Complexities upon shallow thought, creating more than intended by the beginning.  
  
"I still love you Tom"  
  
He hoped that his link was there, only that he could show the man who killed him how he truly felt, how he had broken the golden boy, how he had tainted all that was good.  
  
Bad choices, worse consequences, for love and light falls into darkness. Thoughts spreading to the deep, where can I go, how do I betray myself in such a way, how can I not go insane? I cannot leave these thoughts of mine, cannot force them away, how can a bear a weight upon my soul so black, to pretend it all is okay. How can I love in such a state, how can I feel like its all right? Make the pain go away, make it bleed from my heart upon the ground. It burns, it bruises upon the mind. To hate, to love, to know this truth, to feel, to be, to have it all and feel nothing.  
  
Am I ready? Can I do it all, am I prepared for what is ahead? What have I let myself into, a life I cannot control nevertheless understand. I am only a child inside, I cry at my own life, the mistakes I have made. I only know that within this life I live I cry inside. He watches his blood fall upon the ground, spilling from his viens, knowing that they will not close nor will the flow lessen until he dies.  
  
"Goodbye"  
  
The words were quiet, no one there to hear, the eyes of a child closing as he drifted to an eternal sleep, from which he would never wake. 


End file.
